failing

I'm a perfectionist. It's what I am. It's not something I chose to be or want to be... I just am.
How can you live life sunk in a sloth of mediocrity? It's warm, it's comfortable, it doesn't demand anything out of you, it's easy to achieve and easy to maintain, it makes you normal and one with the vast majority of humanity. But at the end of it, you're still a pig wallowing in the warmth of decomposing feces in a gutter. You can't become more than what you are if you don't try. You can't be something greater. You can't look in a mirror. You can't look back, in the end of it all, with pride.
Losing is not okay. If it were, it would be a habit, after a while. And then it's all over.
That's why it really hurt, today. I tried. I really tried. But I... I couldn't do it. Somewhere, something was missing. And when someone so important tells you that it's okay- it doesn't matter- it's a load of crap, because it does matter. It matters more than anything else in the world, and to know that you are the protagonist of a compromise, that someone settled for second best and ended up with you, that's a shitty feeling. There is no second best, there is no silver medal. It's a binary function, 1-0, on-off, you either make the grade or you don't. And I didn't. Something this important - maybe the most important thing ever in my life - and someone watching, sighed, and said, oh, well. I expected too much out of him.
I want to be that too much. I will be. I will make the grade. But tell me what the fucking grade is!
And that's the biggest failure. Something so important, and I don't even know.

So tired. It's been such a long time.