A moving story...

This is a story about a young girl who fought against overwhelming odds, imposed on her by her circumstances, incurable disease, George Bush's War Against Terror, abusive parents, heartless friends, an uncaring system, and evil corporations to still stand fast and succeed in her life and achieve her goals.

Naahh, just kidding. I'm moving again.
Really hate to do it - current setup is good, but maybe it's time to think of bigger and better things. and maybe own some furniture as well.

And no, one PC table and 6 bamboo racks of books and DVDs don't count as furniture.

And So The Quest Begins.
The Quest for a
1. cheap (or at least affordable, and failing that, not ruinously expensive) flat
2. within a half-hour walk from Andheri station (bus / bike / auto would take at least 45 mins, cosidering the state Andheri is in)
3. in an area not infested with pigs, pigeons, rats, open drains, and galli cricket
4. somewhat accessible by main road
5. less than 5 km from the beach so I can continue to jog
6. having a reliable trustworthy domestic help
7. and also receiving dabba services
8. with a balcony / open space to dry clothes
9. with 3 rooms so each of us has some modicum of privacy
10. and a passage entry so one of us doesn't have to share his privacy with 25 smelly shoes
11. reachable by a cable internet provider
12. with cellular connectivity in the house
13. and walls a light color (enough with the pinks, blues, greens and hospital whites)
14. where flooding isn't higher than 4 feet at ground level
15. non-nosy neighbours
16. a live-and-let-live landlord
17. has bike parking
18. pretty single women staying WITHOUT families
19. nearby general store and cig shop
20. And a society that allows that scum of the earth, 'bachelors' to live in it.

21. personal guardian angel with flaming sword, 'coz if I get all of the above than I know I'm either God or near enough thereabouts.

Anyone know a place like this and is crazy enough to tell me?